No Longer Stagnant

My dad once told me, “You have a clean heart but a bad mind.” Those words really stuck with me. I sometimes consider myself an empathetic psychopath. It’s hard to explain, but deep down, I feel I have a good heart. I would give my last to someone in need, not for recognition. When my granny had cancer and I was only 15, I didn’t tell my mom as she had her own issues, and I didn’t want to add to them. When my friends are low, I can sense it and always want to help them or make them feel better. I have rescued animals while putting my own life at risk. I always try to defend the little man or woman.

But on the flip side, I lie. I have stolen and cheated in the past. Having been involved in the drug trade for years, I became a master manipulator, always able to extract what I wanted from people while seeming like I’m the one who is helping them. When friends or family have great news, I am often envious. Sometimes when fighting with my partner, the love of my life, I will manipulate her and twist things so that in the argument, I am “in the right.”

Being such a paradox is difficult because I truly wonder if I am good or bad so often. I think these are things we all struggle with, and when I think of my bad behaviors, they all stem from somewhere, right? I think on my road to success, both mentally and financially, I have to accept my good qualities and be proud of them, and I have to mold my negative qualities so I can use them for good. Master manipulator – surely, I can be good at sales?

To summarize what my dad said, it’s like my heart is always in the right place, but sometimes my mind wanders to the dark place, and I allow it. This is a behavior pattern I have recognized, and in time, I will fix it, hopefully. Therapy would probably be best, but it’s too expensive for me right now, and being a thick-brained dude, I have this resistance to therapy in the back of my mind. “If I can’t listen, I must feel.”